Life is crazy. I just don't understand it. I have to tell you I love you, but it won't make life any easier. I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed where I'm at and that I know things are going to be ok. They aren't. I spend my days dreaming of what could've been and my nights wishing the next morning will never come. In between, I keep trying to find out where I went wrong... when my dreams died and all my earthly ambitions ceased to exist. I realized I spent my life trying to please other people as a way to appease the immense pain and pressure put on me by people I didn't hold sacred. And now I can't live myself. I can hardly live for the moment. I have no one to blame but myself, but it's all too easy to pass the blame. So I can't... I won't. The road from here is bleak, dark. There's hardly a shadow sketched on the dirt path that is my life… I don't know where I'm at, I don't know where I've been, and I sure as hell don't know where I'm going. I just need to scrape the mud off my shoes, but I don't understand why I can't do that. The understanding of many issues continues to escape me and it frightens me that I'll die in pursuit of their ideals. I'm not scared, but I'm close. I always said I'm not afraid of much, and in saying that, I have always been sincere. Time isn't much, but it's the thing that haunts me the most. I'm just beginning to realize that. You can outrun just about anything in life, but time is eternal. It's the only constant, the only thing that cannot be changed. I know in my heart I shouldn't fear it; I should embrace every moment, yet I find myself in the corner scared to fight. I just know if I lose that fight, there's nothing left, nothing to grasp on to. I have nothing to risk, so I say, but why can't I take the chance? Why can't I just let go of my ideals, my idiosyncrasies, and just live? Live for the moment. Live for the future. And most of all, live for myself. Fear can be debilitating. I should know… It's been who I am for my entire life. I just never realized it. For all I've done and tried to be, I can't escape what I'm afraid to see. Yet, I can't face it. Deep inside I know we all face ourselves in the mirror, but we all turn away, trying to be someone the ones we love will love. I admire the people who know who they are, acknowledge their flaws and embrace them. Flaws are a part of who I am; yet I just can't face up to them. I know that my life is in shambles. I'm a hollowed out corpse of the person I used to be. But I pine to be content with the uncertainty of life instead of bitching about it every waking moment. But can't that be said for everyone?
What I've learned of life. Pain is inevitable... it's as strong as the noontime sun and as constant as star-glittered sky at night. I've learned no matter what you've been through... whatever epiphany you have; you still gotta maintain... you gotta stay strong. I've learned that beliefs may change, but your virtues never will.
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