Pocket Aces

I call you "Pocket Aces"
...though, you don't know what that means...
It's a silly thing for me to call you...
...but I think that's why I like it the most...

You are the rockets in my pocket...
...you are my chance to win it all...
My one shot to make it beyond this...
...My only wish is in your hands...

Although, I know your power...
...I keep your worth from everyone else...
If everyone knew what I had and who you were...
...you wouldn't be as special...
...our special bond would be shown to all...

When I called you "Pocket Aces"...
...you call me just another guy...
....with poker and beer and hardly a fear...
Just a man incapable of saying what he feels without metaphors...

Baby, I need you to know that I'm afraid of what the whole world thinks...
...because inside, I can't accept that I'm the best you'll ever get...
...so I hold you close and pray at night that no one will ever see...
Who you are, for what you are...
...better than anyone else can be...

I wonder

I can make you happy.
I can make you sad.
I can tell you love me.
I can tell you've got it bad.

I can make you breakfast.
I can make you laugh when you're at your worst.
I can find you the prettiest stone.
I can be honest when I say it pales in comparison to you.

I can write you a love song.
I can sing it without music.
I will always smile when I see you.
I will always hold you even when you're not around.

I lay in bed when I cannot sleep.
I think of many things.
I wonder what what you're doing.
I wonder if you're awake.
I dream that I'm on your mind, too.
I wish that you were mine.

I drive past the same old places.
I know they feel the same.
I am scared that I will never leave.
I hope if I do, you'll be there.

I thought of you again today.
I couldn't get you out of my mind.
I saw you in the store today.
I picked you from the faces in the crowd.
I waved to you and hoped you'd answer.
I bowed my head in disgust as you left me again.

I wonder if you know me.
I wonder if you've seen my face.
I wonder if you'd like my charm.
I am worried I'd scare you away.
I wonder if I asked you out.
I am sure you'd be reluctant at first.
I wonder if we'd click at first.
I wonder when we would.

I write this as a letter to you.
I mail it to the world.
I want everyone to read my words...
...so, I'll never have to wonder again

Internal Crisis at Christmas

It's hard to put a value on the moments in my heart...
...the pieces will stay with me, thought the feelings, they may not...
...It's hard to get a feeling when I'm living what I'm reflecting...
...but, it's that time of year, when every second is a memory...

I'm celebrating this Christmas in purgatory...
...every celebration is eternal, but inside, it's not the same...
I'm celebrating this Christmas in purgatory...
...where you'd think warmth is ok, 'til your unwrapping presents in the rain...
Sharing blessings with a ghost, semi-acquaintances matter most...
...when you're celebrating Christmas in purgatory...

How did I get here?
...when did it start?...
Did it happen in an instant or did the tortoise play a part?
It's hard to get excited, when you've known it from the start...
...the reason you're in purgatory...
...is because you never shared your heart...

I opened all my presents, not a single one stood out...
...just a dress shirt and some tube socks...
...neither of which will ever fit...
I stare into the darkness...
...rather, the never ending fog...
...and ask for Santa, one last wish...
...which will come through in the morning...

I'm no longer there in Sullentown...
...the afternoon mist no longer hovers over all...
My wish came true late Christmas night...
...and I find myself a month before...
...with a chance to let my true feelings show...

...and to let my Christmas miracle know...

The River

Waking up and searching…

…the clutter in my mind…

No closer to a decision…
…nothing visible to find…

It's hard to say for certain…
…when you do not understand…
The future ain't the present…

…not a game for you to shelve…

As for me, I've found the pieces…
…to deconstruct the madness in my mind…

…To put my feelings where they ought to be…
…in the bottom of my heart…
Yet still I lay here wondering what it is right now I want…
…Must I let my emotions take control here…
…or must my thoughts stomp the dreaming out?

I've been waking up and finding…
…my clutter dissipating every day…
…my mind is more efficient, able to make it through in its own way…
It's hard to say for certain, when you do not understand…
…that the future is not the present, just a gift fate to you…

Right now I see a river…
…well past where I am and where I've been…
…it flows freely well ahead me, sure to bend when I don't expect…

Finally, I can accept a life beyond what I can see…

…the rest of what will happen can only be determined by what I allow myself to be…

My clutter has been washed away…
…caught a jet stream years ago…

Yet sometimes I find myself back here, at the scene of the moment I can't let go…
…We all move forward from what we thought was so important in the past…

…but I know along the river, there's a spot where those visions will always last…

My river is more than a figment, or a dream, that's in my soul…
…It's place within myself where my being becomes whole…

My Mantra

Tell me there's a God above...
...and I will show you all my love...
Your delusions about eternity go right through me...
...and although you might not understand...
My will is strong and in demand...
...but I will be here always until you tell me...

Why is it that I'm here right now...
...and how did we become hallow...?
...In the rings of the moonlight, I was told so...
Why'd I think you'd have to be convinced...
...when you picked me up every time I missed?
...I'm just lucky that I found you, when I needed you...

I think it's cute that you believe...
..that every time we disagree...
A set of wings by the pearly gates will find their angel...
...and although I look to the sky with despair...
...in your heart you know I care...
In heaven one day, you know, we'll have a soul to share...

I know it's trite and I know it's lame...
...but this is how I played the game...
One day, I knew, I'd find out how to win it...
...but when you found me on the beaten path...
...to escape the monstrous verbal wrath...
...that awaited me in the glory of the defeated...

When we first joined together, hun...
...a simple kiss in the afternoon...
...I'd come to recognize in the daybreak, I was born anew...
You had saved me from the darkened road...
...I saw the sunlight now exposed...
...I confided with you my mantra in the landscape...

Be kind...
Have faith...
Believe...

And you will never, ever, be alone...

Hope

I've lost my hope...
...and with that, I've lost my soul...
...my sense of self, my sense of being...
Without the feeling of hope inside of me,
...I have lost my reason for living...
...my reason for being, my reason for doing...
Without the ability to dream for something within my sight lines...
...or even beyond them...
It's hard for me to summon the courage to withstand the horrors of daily life...

Losing the ability to dream has made me a mere moral...
...a peasant in the kingdom of life...
With the ability to be cut by the slightest of remarks...
...and to bleed until the remedy is found...
For the first time, I feel the cold of the winter and the sting of the moonlight...
...I feel pain in every facet of my being and my salvation of the unattainable dream has crashed into the never ending ocean...

So, here I am in the world...
...a singular being in the common place of the masses...
Having hope, and belief, in anything keeps the soul alive...
...but somewhere along the line I lost my way...
...and I haven't seen the path for miles...
I'm sad and scared, tired and alone, cold and cringing at the fact I'm no where near where I thought I was...

Never allow yourself...
...for one second...
...to think you may have found the most special and unique snowflake, in the most obscure corner of the Earth...

...you are only going to set yourself up for some major disappointment...

I have always thought hope was eternal...
...and in doing so, I've allowed myself to flourish under circumstances a person like me should never had the courage to confront...
...but now, I don't even see that same man...
...not a shadow, not a blur...
...and I'm afraid I've lost him forever...

I've lost my hope...
...and accepting that fact has allowed me to turn a corner...
...I don't know what I'm going to find yet...
...but I have to allow myself to see...

Who knows...?
...maybe I'll find what I've been searching for all along...