I may be crazy...

I may be crazy, but I'm not insane…
…all thanks to me playing your "victimless game"
You asked me to hold you, so I held you tight…
…you begged me to talk to you, so we stayed up all night…

We haven't shared a bed for what seems like years…
…yet, you're always around me shedding tears…
I know what I mean to you, I know what I've done for you…
…it's just hard to be there for you, when I'm the one hurting you…

I gave you my all, when that was more than I had…
…yet you sat there crying, I'm the one feeling bad…
So, I summoned my reserves and I begged them for more…
…'cause I couldn't leave you crying, knowing I may have some left stored…

I came out the next day like a prisoner freed from his cell…
…knowing I have what I needed to answer the bell…
I told you I loved you and that you mattered most…
…I said that I needed you, my heart believed that… almost…

Wearing thin from the pressure of winning your love…
…I told you my feelings of how I may be above…
You looked in my eyes and with vigor you swore…
…it was then that I realized you've always had one foot out the door…

Being without you, I've felt nothing but pain…
…though I know that I'm crazy, you're the one that's insane…

Foundations

In this life, it's difficult to not allow other's impressions of you dictate who you are…
…unfortunately, this is a way of life…
For the larger majority, it's not who you are; just who people think you are…
…and whether that's fair or unjust, this is the world in which we exist…

I'm calling for life…
…searching for the undisputed tyranny of monogamy and friendship…
…willing to concede the lesser virtues for the path of chosen…
I don't know if I'll ever be called into action…
…but I have been led to believe that I can succeed if asked to do so…

The foundation is being built as the basis of my future…
…a place that will always be a part of me…
….housing memories long forgotten and dreams to be processed…

Imagination and creativity is what fuels the world…
…without it, stagnation and malaise would rule…
While I believe honesty is the key to happiness,
…creativity is the key to sanity…

A picture or a song was the cure all along…
…and whether the whole world sees your art…
…or the new piece is for your eyes only…
The fact that you can bring something unique into the world makes it all worthwhile…

A Glimpse into my being...

Don't be afraid..
..don't say a word..
It's just the motion of the morning..
..sounds of the new day being heard..

Don't cover your eyes..
..don't shield them from the light..
Let the early sunrise warm you..
..and let it save you from the night..

In my heart I think you're scared of what the future has to give..
..so much, in fact, you're up alone with the late night life you live..

If you never see the ocean..
..if you never see the sea..
You will never have the courage to be as good as you can be..

I'm a man who lives everyday as though it was his last..
..my courage doesn't find me, I have to find him with every task..
We're all afraid of change and the things we do not know..
..we let the known information drain us, until there's nothing left to show..

The only piece of advice I can give you..
..though, I know you may not want to hear..
Is to do the things that make you happy..
..those who love you will make it clear..

Each morning when I wake up..
..and feel the sounds of the new day being born..
I make a promise to myself in the early morning sun..

'Today I do what's right for me, and for everyone I love..
..I won't let fallen idols take away anything I've done..'

Living renewed...

Well, you used to be my best friend…
…the one I held above the rest…
But, now, you just disgust me…
…came out of hole just to be a pest…

You decided out of nowhere we're busted…
…it became apparent then you couldn't be trusted…
All of your mistakes were more than I could take…
…I knew then I couldn't let it be…

Assclowns…
…assclowns always think they'll ascend…
Assclowns…
…assclowns'll let you down in the end
You screwed up, but I'm screwed over…
…this all ends now, I'll find my clover…

The reason you're distressed now…
…is 'cause you know that you did wrong…
Why must you confront me…
….when it's clear our past is all gone?

What exactly are you fighting for…
…who are you trying to impress…
What are you trying to prove…
…when will you let all the drama rest?

You're an assclown…
…assclowns always think they'll ascend…
Assclowns…
…assclowns'll let you down in the end…
You screwed up, but I'm screwed over…
…this all ends now, I'll find my clover…

I'm sorry it had to be this way…
…I did the best that I could do…
But things ended up the way I wanted…
…I'm living with the angels renewed…

Closer to Closure and Composure

I'm slowly gaining closure as I feel the need to hold you closer…

Last night…
You began the dream…
Last night…
There were no in-betweens…

If Meriwether's shoulder has the strength to throw
…then it shouldn't be expecting much for me to know…
How much I've meant to you since we started all those years ago…

The curtain has been shifted; the veil has been lifted….
It's hard to look to see how I'd been so constricted…

…from the love that I felt for her…
…the things that I bought for her…
…by the words I had shared with her…

Now, I realize that, I'm slowly gaining closure as I feel the need to hold you closer…

You're all I ever needed…
…the one for whom I've begged and pleaded…
I had my chances and I blew them…
Who ever knew that it was you I always needed…

I'm slowly gaining closure…
…from a woman known for being colder…
Who couldn't share a single dream…
…or cuddle tightly near the silver screen…

I saw you from across the room…
…inside I knew you'd be mine soon…
And, though, we've been together for just a tiny bit…

I know with you, I'll slowly gain composure as I begin to hold you closer

My Obligatory Fate...

When people go and tell me that things will be ok…
…it usually leaves me guessing, never knowing what to say…
This time it feels that all I'm ever doing is living at their beck and call…
…I'm fighting their resistance, but I'll be only the one that falls…

Running through the current…
…forcing my way beyond the crowd…
I can see you in distance…

…In my heart, I know you're proud…

You the only voice of reason,

In a life that's lost all hope…
The one that I can turn to…
…if I need to laugh or cry or mope…

It's a hard pill for me to swallow…
The choice wasn't mine to make…
But it's closing time and it's time to find…
…my obligatory fate…

Love me or leave me…
…you don't have to shed my blood to bleed me…
Cautious, but carefree…
…your voice is the only thing to heal me…

Will you be there in the moment when my skin reflects the light…

I can see your face, I can see your soul…
…my heart will tell me when it's right…

It's a hard pill for me to swallow…
The choice was not mine to make…
But it's closing time and it's time to find…
…my obligatory fate…

In the moment that we live in, you're the only one for me to trust…
…it's hard enough to keep the friendship from being cute to being lust…
When I realize what you mean to me and what I have to lose…
…I'll have to understand that life here would be the next thing I would choose…

It's a hard pill for me to swallow…
The choice was not mine to make…
But it's closing time and it's time to find…
…my obligatory fate…

Pocket Aces

I call you "Pocket Aces"
...though, you don't know what that means...
It's a silly thing for me to call you...
...but I think that's why I like it the most...

You are the rockets in my pocket...
...you are my chance to win it all...
My one shot to make it beyond this...
...My only wish is in your hands...

Although, I know your power...
...I keep your worth from everyone else...
If everyone knew what I had and who you were...
...you wouldn't be as special...
...our special bond would be shown to all...

When I called you "Pocket Aces"...
...you call me just another guy...
....with poker and beer and hardly a fear...
Just a man incapable of saying what he feels without metaphors...

Baby, I need you to know that I'm afraid of what the whole world thinks...
...because inside, I can't accept that I'm the best you'll ever get...
...so I hold you close and pray at night that no one will ever see...
Who you are, for what you are...
...better than anyone else can be...

I wonder

I can make you happy.
I can make you sad.
I can tell you love me.
I can tell you've got it bad.

I can make you breakfast.
I can make you laugh when you're at your worst.
I can find you the prettiest stone.
I can be honest when I say it pales in comparison to you.

I can write you a love song.
I can sing it without music.
I will always smile when I see you.
I will always hold you even when you're not around.

I lay in bed when I cannot sleep.
I think of many things.
I wonder what what you're doing.
I wonder if you're awake.
I dream that I'm on your mind, too.
I wish that you were mine.

I drive past the same old places.
I know they feel the same.
I am scared that I will never leave.
I hope if I do, you'll be there.

I thought of you again today.
I couldn't get you out of my mind.
I saw you in the store today.
I picked you from the faces in the crowd.
I waved to you and hoped you'd answer.
I bowed my head in disgust as you left me again.

I wonder if you know me.
I wonder if you've seen my face.
I wonder if you'd like my charm.
I am worried I'd scare you away.
I wonder if I asked you out.
I am sure you'd be reluctant at first.
I wonder if we'd click at first.
I wonder when we would.

I write this as a letter to you.
I mail it to the world.
I want everyone to read my words...
...so, I'll never have to wonder again

Internal Crisis at Christmas

It's hard to put a value on the moments in my heart...
...the pieces will stay with me, thought the feelings, they may not...
...It's hard to get a feeling when I'm living what I'm reflecting...
...but, it's that time of year, when every second is a memory...

I'm celebrating this Christmas in purgatory...
...every celebration is eternal, but inside, it's not the same...
I'm celebrating this Christmas in purgatory...
...where you'd think warmth is ok, 'til your unwrapping presents in the rain...
Sharing blessings with a ghost, semi-acquaintances matter most...
...when you're celebrating Christmas in purgatory...

How did I get here?
...when did it start?...
Did it happen in an instant or did the tortoise play a part?
It's hard to get excited, when you've known it from the start...
...the reason you're in purgatory...
...is because you never shared your heart...

I opened all my presents, not a single one stood out...
...just a dress shirt and some tube socks...
...neither of which will ever fit...
I stare into the darkness...
...rather, the never ending fog...
...and ask for Santa, one last wish...
...which will come through in the morning...

I'm no longer there in Sullentown...
...the afternoon mist no longer hovers over all...
My wish came true late Christmas night...
...and I find myself a month before...
...with a chance to let my true feelings show...

...and to let my Christmas miracle know...

The River

Waking up and searching…

…the clutter in my mind…

No closer to a decision…
…nothing visible to find…

It's hard to say for certain…
…when you do not understand…
The future ain't the present…

…not a game for you to shelve…

As for me, I've found the pieces…
…to deconstruct the madness in my mind…

…To put my feelings where they ought to be…
…in the bottom of my heart…
Yet still I lay here wondering what it is right now I want…
…Must I let my emotions take control here…
…or must my thoughts stomp the dreaming out?

I've been waking up and finding…
…my clutter dissipating every day…
…my mind is more efficient, able to make it through in its own way…
It's hard to say for certain, when you do not understand…
…that the future is not the present, just a gift fate to you…

Right now I see a river…
…well past where I am and where I've been…
…it flows freely well ahead me, sure to bend when I don't expect…

Finally, I can accept a life beyond what I can see…

…the rest of what will happen can only be determined by what I allow myself to be…

My clutter has been washed away…
…caught a jet stream years ago…

Yet sometimes I find myself back here, at the scene of the moment I can't let go…
…We all move forward from what we thought was so important in the past…

…but I know along the river, there's a spot where those visions will always last…

My river is more than a figment, or a dream, that's in my soul…
…It's place within myself where my being becomes whole…

My Mantra

Tell me there's a God above...
...and I will show you all my love...
Your delusions about eternity go right through me...
...and although you might not understand...
My will is strong and in demand...
...but I will be here always until you tell me...

Why is it that I'm here right now...
...and how did we become hallow...?
...In the rings of the moonlight, I was told so...
Why'd I think you'd have to be convinced...
...when you picked me up every time I missed?
...I'm just lucky that I found you, when I needed you...

I think it's cute that you believe...
..that every time we disagree...
A set of wings by the pearly gates will find their angel...
...and although I look to the sky with despair...
...in your heart you know I care...
In heaven one day, you know, we'll have a soul to share...

I know it's trite and I know it's lame...
...but this is how I played the game...
One day, I knew, I'd find out how to win it...
...but when you found me on the beaten path...
...to escape the monstrous verbal wrath...
...that awaited me in the glory of the defeated...

When we first joined together, hun...
...a simple kiss in the afternoon...
...I'd come to recognize in the daybreak, I was born anew...
You had saved me from the darkened road...
...I saw the sunlight now exposed...
...I confided with you my mantra in the landscape...

Be kind...
Have faith...
Believe...

And you will never, ever, be alone...

Hope

I've lost my hope...
...and with that, I've lost my soul...
...my sense of self, my sense of being...
Without the feeling of hope inside of me,
...I have lost my reason for living...
...my reason for being, my reason for doing...
Without the ability to dream for something within my sight lines...
...or even beyond them...
It's hard for me to summon the courage to withstand the horrors of daily life...

Losing the ability to dream has made me a mere moral...
...a peasant in the kingdom of life...
With the ability to be cut by the slightest of remarks...
...and to bleed until the remedy is found...
For the first time, I feel the cold of the winter and the sting of the moonlight...
...I feel pain in every facet of my being and my salvation of the unattainable dream has crashed into the never ending ocean...

So, here I am in the world...
...a singular being in the common place of the masses...
Having hope, and belief, in anything keeps the soul alive...
...but somewhere along the line I lost my way...
...and I haven't seen the path for miles...
I'm sad and scared, tired and alone, cold and cringing at the fact I'm no where near where I thought I was...

Never allow yourself...
...for one second...
...to think you may have found the most special and unique snowflake, in the most obscure corner of the Earth...

...you are only going to set yourself up for some major disappointment...

I have always thought hope was eternal...
...and in doing so, I've allowed myself to flourish under circumstances a person like me should never had the courage to confront...
...but now, I don't even see that same man...
...not a shadow, not a blur...
...and I'm afraid I've lost him forever...

I've lost my hope...
...and accepting that fact has allowed me to turn a corner...
...I don't know what I'm going to find yet...
...but I have to allow myself to see...

Who knows...?
...maybe I'll find what I've been searching for all along...